The problem is usually that we’re really uncomfortable telling the other person what we want, or we don’t truly understand how the other person’s responses work. Here are some posts that can help:
Or, get all of these posts in a much longer form, with lots more information, in my book the 31 Days to Great Sex, which helps you talk through these issues with less stress.
“Sexual Incompatibility” Could Be About Sin
Most worrisome, sexual incompatibility could be a sin issue. If a husband is heavily involved in pornography, or a wife in erotica, then you can start to want things that are just not right, or you can transfer your sexual energy to something other than your spouse. This is sin.
And it needs to be repented of and dealt with. Here’s a post on how to ask others for help.
The only area where there could be a true incompatibility–a real area where working on something will not make it better–is if there are health issues involved. Perhaps one of you is paralyzed, or has had cancer tinder visitors, or has chronic pain, or even has vaginismus. Some of these things can get better, but others are for life. I’ve written about what to do when intercourse is no longer possible.
But is that incompatibility? Or is this part of the “in sickness and in health” bit of marriage vows? Yes, it’s heartbreaking. And yes, it’s not what either of you signed up for. But sometimes in marriage we don’t get what we are expecting, and in those times, God is always big enough to see you through.
Being “Sexually Incompatible” Can Be Fixed!
In most cases, then, sexual incompatibility isn’t true incompatibility. It’s not permanent; it’s simply something that you need to fix. And fixing it may make you go out of your comfort zone. You have to confront your own baggage. You have to communicate about tough issues. You have to compromise and adjust. But these are all good things, and they’re all a part of marriage.
If you believe the compatibility myth that sex should be easy, and two people should just work together right off the bat, you’re likely to be disappointed. That’s not how we were made.
But it isn’t that we were made to have permanent problems, either. It’s just that as we work through what we want in the bedroom, we tend to have stronger marriages in all ways. We compromise, we talk, we grow. That’s a good thing!
So don’t give up on your marriage just because you feel like you aren’t sexually compatible. Just treat this like any other problem and start to deal with it. You may just find that you both grow together, after all!
We welcome your comments and want this to be a place for healthy discussionments that are rude, profane, or abusive will not be allowedments that are unrelated to the current post may be deletedments above 300 words in length are let through at the moderator’s discretion and may be shortened to the first 300 words or deleted.
Great post! I so agree with this. Hubs and I were dealing with some past baggage for many years that put us on polar opposite scales in bed on several issues. We’ve just celebrated 16 years and I think we’re finally past most of it and now are closer to meeting in the middle than ever. And it wasn’t that sex was bad before, how do you know you’re missing something you’ve never had? Any frustration we felt was mostly because we had bought into this Hollywood lie about how sex was supposed to work universally.